It may be funny, but it's no joke

Miscommunication: It may be funny, but it's no joke

Have you ever noticed how often bad stuff comes from poor listening, making inaccurate assumptions and asking the wrong questions? And if you don't think so, remember the last time you were in a mess, and reflect on the quality of the communications. "She said...he said....you said...I said....what I meant was....you always...you never...." Or just as risky: silence and stonewalling.

I've worked hard to untangle and de-escalate many crisis situations over the years, and all of them have been aggravated by miscommunication: People half listening, not clarifying, taking action based on erroneous assumptions. Sometimes this leads to tragedy, other times to comedy and often just a mixture of both.

When is miscommunication funny? Usually, it's when we're watching on the sidelines, relieved that we aren't in the situation ourselves. Here is an award-winning joke about listening and asking questions -- and doing both poorly. This joke won a year-long contest involving two million Internet hits, 40,000 jokes and a scientific experiment on what people find funny:

"Two hunters are out in the woods when one collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls emergency services. He gasps, 'My friend is dead! What can I do?' The operator says, 'Calm down. I can help. First, make sure he's dead.' There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says, 'okay, now what?'"

As the bird lady flies away

Do you have any family members who drive you crazy? My Aunt Jean used to be the bane of my existence. Five years ago, if you had the time, I might have bored you with what I perceived as her "offenses" against others, herself and (especially) me. Ironically, I was most irritated by her mistrust and dislike of me. Yet, now I realize that her feelings toward me were in no small way influenced by mine toward her.

Near the end of Jean's life, I let go of the toxic resentments I'd been lugging around for so many years, and gained an entirely different perspective. I learned to love her for herself, and (wonder of wonders) she responded to me differently as well. What a relief and blessing! And this new perspective enabled me to see things in her life (and mine) that I would have been blind to otherwise. Here is my account of her last morning on earth:

My Aunt Jean died at her home on August 8th, at peace with herself, God and the world after a long illness and 24-hour round the clock care since January. She was 92 -- but keep it to yourself, please. (When we toasted Aunt Jean for her 90th birthday, she objected loudly, claiming that a woman never let on about such things.) Her dear friend Sandy held her right hand and Toni, her night caregiver, held her left.
People talk about "last words"....Well, Aunt Jean couldn't speak, but she did leave behind mementos of her journey. At 7 a.m. Sandy and Toni prayed the "our Father" outloud together and Jean, as if on cue, took her last breath as a tiny tear rolled down her cheek. Church bells chimed and the sound of cooing doves echoed down the fireplace as if celebrating Jean's release into Paradise after her many painful constrictions.

On the other side of town, a blackbird flew to the local nursing home and "danced up to the window" (sort of a one-two step, I'm told) where Jean's favorite caregiver and dear friend, Phyllis, was just finishing up a second shift. That was, said Phyllis, how she guessed that Jean was gone.

Like many of us, Jean was afraid of dying -- to the point that she wouldn't talk or even think about the possibility at all. (At 85 years old, she still didn't have a will, saying she would get around to it "one of these days"; finally, after decades of trying, her 89-year-old brother, George, talked her into it before passing away himself.)

As it all turned out, from what I can tell, there was nothing for my Aunt Jean to fear. God was with her all the time and now she knows that with a certainty and gladness that I can only imagine. Alas, I too need to remember that: "...neither death nor life, neither angels nor principalities, neither the present nor the future, neither the world above nor the world below will ever be able to separate us from the love of God, which is ours through Christ Jesus our Lord." (Rom 8:38-39)

So in honor of my aunt's departure, I ask you the same questions I am asking myself today: Where is God calling you to new life? What baggage do you need to leave behind in order to fly today? And -- oh yeah -- where did you stow your wings? That's important because you just may want to wear them today.

When it comes to love -- whether in our work or our relationships -- what is the danger in playing it safe?

I invite and welcome your comments.

__________________________________________

Forgiveness Freedom Teleconference
If you are lugging around resentments, give yourself a break. Let go of old baggage and find new freedom and joy by forgiving others as well as yourself. More than 1,000 research studies have been conducted on forgiveness over the last 15 years. Learn new strategies and act on eternal truths & relevant research findings.

Email me at kally@rejoyc.com or call me at 630-363-4570 for more details.

Top 10 Lists: One to Offend, the Other to Mend

I’m guessing that 80 percent of what we feel we need to forgive others for would disappear in a flash if we all knew how to communicate more clearly and effectively. Somebody starts a statement with “you always…” or “you never…” and, inevitably, there’s going to be trouble. Here are 10 more zingers that come trippingly off the tongue, leading to a quick and sure-fire derailment of any real connection, toppling it right into the Land of the Blame Game:

1. I can’t stand it when you….
2. You manipulated me….…betrayed my trust; ruined my life…(etc., etc.)
3. You make me furious when you….
4. A person like you…..
5. Once again, you’ve….
6. It’s always the same with you….
7. I can never count on you to….
8. You never listen to me….
9. Say you’re sorry….
10. You are a real jerk….creep; piece of work (etc., etc.)

When, if ever, have these common little sound bytes led to more peace and understanding? And what can we do differently to communicate more effectively and constructively?

One of wisest, most effective teachers on this subject is Marshall B. Rosenberg, Ph.D., who wrote a best-selling book on the subject entitled “Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life.” Rosenberg has created a global organization to help people connect compassionately with both themselves and others through a language he calls “Nonviolent Communication (NVC),” and it is practiced with great success all over the world. Rosenberg characterizes NVC as a “language that strengthens our ability to inspire compassion from others and respond compassionately to others and ourselves….It awakens empathy and honesty, and is sometimes described as ‘the language of the heart.’” www.cnvc.org

Rosenberg suggests 10 concrete actions we can take to “contribute to Internal, Interpersonal and Organizational Peace” – and build our communication and relationship skills:

(1) Spend some time each day quietly reflecting on how we would like to relate to ourselves and others.
(2) Remember that all human beings have the same needs.
(3) Check our intention to see if we are as interested in others getting their needs met as our own.
(4) When asking someone to do something, check first to see if we are making a request or a demand.
(5) Instead of saying what we DON'T want someone to do, say what we DO want the person to do.
(6) Instead of saying what we want someone to BE, say what action we'd like the person to take that we hope will help the person be that way.
(7) Before agreeing or disagreeing with anyone's opinions, try to tune in to what the person is feeling and needing.
(8) Instead of saying "No," say what need of ours prevents us from saying "Yes."
(9) If we are feeling upset, think about what need of ours is not being met, and what we could do to meet it, instead of thinking about what's wrong with others or ourselves.
(10) Instead of praising someone who did something we like, express our gratitude by telling the person what need of ours that action met. www.cnvc.org

Duel to the Death

When I was a child, I was fascinated by a poem called "The Duel" by children's poet Eugene Field (1850-1895). It expressed in a light clever way something I knew to be true even then: where payback can lead. Also, how a relatively small grievance (nursed by a little negative nourishment) can snowball into a large grievance with damaging consequences for everyone unlucky enough to get caught in the crossfire. And unfortunately, what with passive aggressive behavior, scapegoating and projection -- those foibles we humans are all too liable to foist upon the world in our distress -- there's no statute of limitations on being caught in the crossfire.

"The Duel" stars two stuffed animals: a gingham dog and a calico cat, both stuck in the muck of needing to pay each other back for wrongs committed. Should you think that stuffed animals would naturally take themselves less seriously than real ones, think again. Perhaps the more we creatures are stuffed with, the less real and the more dangerous we are -- both to ourselves and others. The real cats and dogs I know get along much better than this....well, at least most of the time. Viva la difference!

Today I see this fight to the death from the perspective of the Chinese plate. But I have to admit that I've run the risk, on more than one occasion, of ending up in the sad (and totally unnecessary) plight of the animals depicted below. What about you? What's your perspective?

The Duel
by Eugene Field

THE GINGHAM dog and the calico cat
Side by side on the table sat;
'T was half-past twelve, and (what do you think!)
Nor one nor t' other had slept a wink!
The old Dutch clock and the Chinese plate
Appeared to know as sure as fate
There was going to be a terrible spat.
(I wasn't there; I simply state
What was told to me by the Chinese plate!)

The gingham dog went "bow-wow-wow!"
And the calico cat replied "mee-ow!"
The air was littered, an hour or so,
With bits of gingham and calico,
While the old Dutch clock in the chimney-place
Up with its hands before its face,
For it always dreaded a family row!
(Never mind: I 'm only telling you
What the old Dutch clock declares is true!)

The Chinese plate looked very blue,
And wailed, "Oh, dear! what shall we do!"
But the gingham dog and the calico cat
Wallowed this way and tumbled that,
Employing every tooth and claw
In the awfullest way you ever saw—
And, oh! how the gingham and calico flew!
(Don't fancy I exaggerate—
I got my news from the Chinese plate!)

Next morning where the two had sat
They found no trace of dog or cat;
And some folks think unto this day
That burglars stole that pair away!
But the truth about the cat and pup
Is this: they ate each other up!
Now what do you really think of that!
(The old Dutch clock it told me so,
And that is how I came to know.)

Who Deserves a Break Today?

There is a poem by Robert Burns entitled "To a Louse" that reminds me of something enduring about the human condition. When admiring an elegantly dressed and confident young woman at church, Burns observes a louse crawling into her beautifully coiffured hairdo. He writes: "O, the gift the Gifties give us, to see ourselves as others see us." Frequently we humans get so focused on the offending actions of others and what we judge to be their irritating traits that we become blind to our own unkindness and insensitivity.

Ironically enough, we seem to act out most often, and be least aware of it, when: (1) the other person appears to have less power than we do, for whatever reason (children, students, minorities, employees we outrank, service providers, etc.); (2) when the other person doesn't confront us with our action, but forgives us (or doesn't) silently in the privacy of their hearts; and/or (3) when nobody's watching.

I find it much easier to give others a break when reflecting on the mercy that other people have shown, and continue to show, me -- whether or not I "deserve" it. These reflections remind me that life is a gift and fill me with a sense of grace and gratitude.

What about you? Where do your reflections take you? Where do you live in your everyday thoughts?

O Shame, Where is Your Sting?

"Children are made readers on the laps of their parents," notes literary artist and publisher Emilie Buchwald (Famous Literary Quotes, 2005). Educational experts agree: parents who read to their children help them become better readers and students. According to the Reading Foundation (2002): "Even parents who cannot read well for themselves can provide a good experience for their children by telling stories from their lives, from their imaginations or pictures in wordless books. It is best to read to your children early and often, but it is never too late to start in any language."

Reading and righting -- Since this is a blog on Forgiveness, what does reading have to do with forgiveness? Well, just as there is a correlation between illiterate parents and children with reading difficulties, there may also be one between unforgiving parents and unforgiving children. What do you think? My guess is yes.

I have learned how to forgive in part from my mother. Not only did she pardon my brothers, my sister and me (for our various fights and foibles over the years), she asked for our forgiveness as well. Then she changed her behavior as best she could. When I was a little girl (around five years old), she slapped me in the face. I don't remember it being hard, but I do remember that immediately afterwards she told me that she had done something wrong by hitting me on the face, asked my forgiveness and said she would never do it again. And she never did.

Ridiculous wisdom -- My mother's legacy to me was not in dollars but in sense. And even today, 30 years after her death, I still learn more about the process and precious gift of forgiveness by reflecting upon her example. For one thing, Mom had a gift for seeing the ridiculous in the ridicule in life. When I was growing up, our church published an annual account of the monetary contributions of all families in our parish in the Sunday bulletin, intending (perhaps) to reward the "good" donors and shame the "bad" ones. With four children (aged 10 and under)subsisting on Dad's salary as a proofreader, our family landed squarely in the lower range of the list. Instead of getting angry or ashamed, my mother considered the practice so nuts that she found it hilarious. In fact, we sat around talking and laughing about it for hours -- to the point that I could hardly wait for next year's list to be published.

"O death, where is your sting? O death, where is your victory?" St. Paul asks in 1 Corinthians (15:55), speaking on the impact of Christ's Resurrection from the dead. My mother's response to the annual donation list transformed a potentially painful situation into a deliciously subversive way to look at (and laugh at) the pretensions in life: O Shame, where is your sting?

What legacy of forgiveness have your parents given to you?.... What legacy are you leaving to your children?....

A Room with a View

The imagination is an amazing vehicle. I call mine a flying carpet, and it takes me all over the world to different times and places. Today, we go to Jesus Christ, an hour before his last meal with his friends just outside the Old City of Jerusalem in what is called the "Upper Room."

What was he thinking? Feeling? Imagining? I don't know about you, but if I was going to undergo an excruciating execution tomorrow, I wouldn't feel much like having a meal with friends tonight -- especially if I knew that one of those "close" friends of mine was going to betray me, and the rest would pretend they didn't know me once I got captured. And if I did share a meal with my so-called pals the night before my death, you can bet they'd get an earful! You wouldn't see me washing their feet, or offering myself up for their benefit.

This depth of forgiveness goes far beyond where my imagination has ever taken me. Even now. Sometimes I think it is easier to forgive one's foes than one's friends....Foes can steal many things from us, but they can't steal our trust -- because we never trusted them in the first place.

It seems that Jesus had no illusions. He trusted his friends to be human; but he didn't count on them to save him or look to them for approval. In that, forgiveness became his pre-emptive strike of complete acceptance and love. Christ forgave his friends in advance of what he knew they were going to do. And in his unconditional decision to forgive, Christ showed his utter freedom and transformed the last meager meal of a "dead man walking" into the eternal banquet of the Lord's Supper.

Amazing grace. I can't forgive that way, to that absolute extent. But I can, at least, imagine myself as one of the disciples in that Upper Room -- maybe Peter, who protests when Christ goes to wash his feet....Maybe I can be Peter, and just let Christ wash my feet. And in this experience of being forgiven, perhaps I will discover that I too can forgive with a pure and reckless heart.

The Third Man

Remember the great movie "The Third Man"? Graham Greene wrote the screenplay and Carol Reed directed this classic more than half a century ago (and if you haven't seen it yet, you have a treat in store). Holly Martins, a writer of cheap Western novels, comes to Vienna after World War II at the invitation of his friend Harry Lime. Upon his arrival, Martins learns that Lime has tragically died in a car accident, and decides to investigate. The mystery of the movie centers on discovering the identity of the unseen person who helped remove Harry Lime's body. This is the "Third Man."

The terminator -- That story comes to my mind today as I reflect on my struggles in forgiving a particular gentleman. Ironically, he's not someone I see often or talk with frequently, or even someone who wronged me greatly. I worked with others on a team project years ago -- a gratifying and fruitful experience for all of us and for those we served. He used his power to dismantle a program that was helping many, and in its place, put a substitute that has gained a reputation for boring mediocrity....Several of us on the team shared our concerns with him on certain core issues; and he took our forthrightness as a personal attack.

The same old story....No doubt that this gentleman's recollection of the situation would be much different than my own; and it too would have its own measure of truth. How is it -- or is it -- possible for two people who stay separate on either side of the fence to see things from the same perspective? When Robert Frost wrote, "There's something here that does not want a wall," maybe this is what he meant.

Now, I've forgiven, and been forgiven by, a number of people in my life for various and sundry actions (and inaction)....And this particular situation would not, in any way, rank at the top of my "too terrible to be forgiven list" (assuming I had a list, which I don't). So what has been blocking me?

Missing in action -- I talked with a trusted friend about this today. As my spiritual director/companion, she helped me take a hard (and soft) look at my struggle to forgive this gentleman. What I experienced caught me off-guard, and brought me back to the intense feelings of rejection I had experienced with my Dad -- feelings I believed that I had long since come to terms with. And even though I meant to focus on the leader who had dismantled our team, his actions quickly become irrelevant to the true matter at hand, and I saw what was holding me back from forgiving him: he had become a phantom stand-in for issues I had not completely resolved with my father.

My Dad has been on the other side of the grave for some years now, and it's actually easier to enjoy a loving relationship with him "up in heaven" than it was down on Earth. Yet with this other gentleman (who is very much still on Earth), I am becoming more aware of his gift rather than the grievance. In dealing with this issue, I am able to see him and all of my life, in a truer, more lifegiving perspective.

Forgiveness freedom....I've found a gift in my inability to forgive: it motivated me to find the real source of my woundedness and ask God to heal it. In discovering the identity of the "third man," I've been freed from illusions and resentments that no longer have the power to wound me.

Who is your third man? Do you have one too? If not, great! If so, what would it give you to find out his/her secret identity?

FORGIVENESS FREEDOM is a blog devoted to exploring effective ways to understand conflict, and restore & reinforce positive connections.

Forgive and Fight

"Can the peace that comes from forgiveness still us into complacency?" This penetrating question comes from a reader in her email comments on my Feb. 14th posting, "Can You Drink The Cup?" I've been reflecting on this. When we give up the right and desire to harm someone else, do we also let go of the right and desire to protect the defenseless and fight for justice? Afterall, when we are no longer affected in the same way once we forgive an injury, what is to stop us from just walking away? Can we still be angry about the offense when we have forgiven the offender? Are retribution and revenge a better motivator for constructive change than forgiveness?

Consider the organization "Mothers Against Drunk Drivers" (MADD), which had as its first "office" the still-decorated bedroom of a 13-year old girl who was killed in a hit-and-run accident by a drunk driver. Here's how writer Laurie Danies describes the founding of MADD in the History Section of MADD's website:

"25 years ago, a heartbroken mother made a pledge in her deceased daughter's bedroom -- a decision that quickly inspired a handful of grieving, determined mothers to join in the fight. Though united in cause, they had no office, no money and no clout. They were as their name suggests: MADD. As their fledgling organization grew, they stood toe-to-toe with politicians who knew the stats, but didn't act. They took on a powerful industry that puts profits over safety. They challenged a society that viewed drinking and driving as acceptable -- even laughable."

In 1980, the U.S. had 30,000 alcohol-related traffic fatalities a year; by 2005, the number was down to 17,000 -- thanks in large measure to steps taken by MADD.

Yet, however, mad, the Mothers Against Drunk Drivers were -- and are -- their primary purpose has been to eliminate drunk driving as well as the attitudes and actions (and lack of action) that have enabled, and even encouraged it. They demand that drunken driving be treated as the crime that it is.

Is this unforgiveness? Perhaps. However, these actions would be soundly supported by the greatest forgiver I know, Jesus Christ, as well as other great people of mercy and justice, including Martin Luther King, Jr., Mahatma Gandhi, Nelson Mandela, Bishop Desmond Tutu and Mother Theresa, to name just a few.

Observes Bishop Desmond Tutu:

"In forgiveness, people are not being asked to forget. On the contrary, it is important to remember, so that we should not let such atrocities happen again. Forgiveness does not mean condoning what has been done. It means taking what happened seriously...drawing out the sting in the memory that threatens our entire existence."

Mahatma Gandhi said: "Hate the sin, love the sinner." Jesus lived this truth, and it didn't lead to complacency, but rather his death. When "peace" leads to complacency, perhaps it isn't real forgiveness at all -- but just a very human way to hide.

What do you think?

FORGIVENESS FREEDOM is a blog devoted to exploring effective ways to understand conflict, and restore & reinforce positive connections.

Connecting Conversations

Thanks for the feedback, both to me personally at kally@rejoyc.com and to this blog. Your different perspectives are both thought-provoking and comforting -- comforting to know that we can share conversations on all sorts of issues related to forgiveness; conversations that are open, practical and real.

Maybe it's just my imagination or because I've been more focused on this subject than usual, but I've been noticing a backlash against forgiveness. This seems rather curious to me since forgiveness isn't exactly a hot new topic sweeping the nation -- along the lines, say, of the latest controversy on the "American Idol" show. And yet, I wonder....

Here are two recent examples:

(1) Yahoo published an extensive online article yesterday (the source of which, drat!, I can't find today) about the negative pressure that some people are putting on others to forgive. The author contended that there can be other more appropriate reactions to being grieviously wronged by others.

(2) National Public Radio aired a "Talk of the Nation" show on Jan. 2, 2008 entitled "Studies Suggest Forgiveness has Health Benefits." After talking with Frederic Luskin, Ph.D., head of the Stanford University Forgiveness Project (the largest research project to date on the testing, training and measurement of forgiveness interventions), the host thanked and dismissed him (Luskin seemed rather surprised). Then the host hooked up with psychotherapist Jeanne Safer who has written a book entitled "Forgiving and Not Forgiving: When Sometimes It's Better Not to Forgive." Safer talked dispargingly about "the forgiveness lobby" -- you know, those folks who think that forgiveness is the only right answer and cure for everything. While Safer had some pertinent points to make (i.e., no definitive studies have been conducted on people who don't choose to forgive, but choose instead to remain neutral), it felt like a missed opportunity to have a meaty discussion between Safer and Luskin.

Must there be a "great divide" between the people who forgive and those who opt for other choices? And what is forgiveness anyway? What exactly does it give us?

In my next blog entry, in the next few days, I'm going to share my reflections on some of YOUR powerful reflections and questions as well.

This blog is all about having a conversation on matters that touch all of our lives. And the more light we can shed on forgiveness, the more light we will share. Paul Boese notes that "Forgiveness does not change the past, but it does enlarge the future." Is that true for you? It has been true for me. I found Boese's comments on a fascinating site: www.forgivenessweb.com.

FORGIVENESS FREEDOM is a blog devoted to exploring effective ways to understand conflict, and restore & reinforce positive connections.

Can You Drink The Cup?

This whole idea of rumination being a negative pasttime makes me think and takes me right back to one of my favorite authors: Henri JM Nouwen and his book, "Can You Drink The Cup?" In this wonderful book, Nouwen reflects on the similarities between drinking good wine and living a fulfilled life. Here's one of things he says about reflection:

"...drinking wine is more than just drinking. You have to know what you are drinking, and you have to be able to talk about it. Similarly, just living life is not enough. We must know what we are living. A life that is not reflected upon isn't worth living. It belongs to the essense of being human that we contemplate our life, think about it, discuss it, evaluate it, and form opinions about it. Half of living is reflecting on what is being lived. Is it worth it? Is it good? Is it bad? Is it old? Is it new? What's it all about? The greatest joy as well as the greatest pain of living come not only from what we live but even more from how we think and feel about what we are living....Reflection is essential for growth, development, and change. It is the unique power of the human person."

Nouwen's words ring true for me, as well as for many others. And yet...and yet...sometimes it seems like a short walk from reflection -- one of the great gifts of life -- to rumination -- one of the great curses of life.

Many people who dwell on the misfortunes in their life say that their ruminations are a good thing that bring value to their lives. At first when I read this, I struggled to understand it. Yet, after pondering on Nouwen's words, it makes sense. Rumination can feel like reflection, and reflection, when it becomes excessive and focused on one particular matter, can easily deteriorate into rumination.

Perhaps rumination isn't an issue for you; however, I come from a family of highly developed ruminators (at least on one side of the line), and it's something I guard against, even as I love to reflect on life. My 91-year-old Aunt Jean can ruminate with the best of them; and her unfailing memory for pain, suffering and wrongdoing never fails to amaze me, even to this day. (And if I don't watch it, I can start ruminating about Aunt Jean!)

Yet, while rumination and reflection may seem hard to distinguish sometimes, there is at least one thing that distinguishes them -- and that's gratitude. I can't ruminate when I'm grateful; however, I sure can reflect on the wonders of life.

What are your thoughts?

FORGIVENESS FREEDOM is a blog devoted to exploring effective ways to understand conflicts, and restore & reinforce positive connections.

Is Forgiveness Always Necessary?

My husband, Jim, views forgiveness in the workplace (and elsewhere) with some skeptism. This surprises me because he worked for 40 years in municipal government and was highly thought of by the people who worked with and for him. He had a reputation for being a fair, caring and effective leader and bridge builder -- a good listener who was able to find common ground with others in contentious situations. While we don't have much contention in the Reynolds household, I can vouch for these qualities in Jim at home.

Jim says he has generalized good will and compassion for the people around him, knowing them to be just as human and frail as he is. This attitude protects him from unrealistic expectations. Without unrealistic expectations, says Jim, there is less need to forgive. And when something happens that he considers unforgiveable, Jim says he opts for cultivating an attitude of neutrality toward the person who committed the act. "Some things and people I would never forgive," he tells me. I ask him to think of an instance and he falters, trying to think of a crime big enough. "If someone killed you, I would never forgive them, but I would move on with my life. Grudges take too much energy to hold onto!"

Jim doesn't dwell on injustices done to him, or even by him. If he can change something, he will; and if he can't, he forgets about it and moves on to something else. In his book, Five Steps to Forgiveness: the Art and Science of Forgiveness, Dr. Everett Worthington says that some people find it tougher than others to forgive because they tend to ruminate, or repeatedly dwell, on the wrongs committed against themselves or the people they care about. The word rumination comes from the Latin word ruminare, which means to "chew the cud" (regurgitated, partially digested food), which is what cows do to digest their food (We might do the same if we had four stomachs!). However, since we each have only one stomach, humans who regugitate and rechew their food don't fare as well as cows -- in fact, they have an eating disorder called rumination.

Studies show, that mental rumination too leads to all sorts of problems, including depression, chronic anger, a "gift" for alienating others and a lack of ability to creatively problem-solve. A number of research studies also show that while both sexes ruminate, women tend to fall into this habit more often than men.

Unless and until I can forgive myself and others, I tend to ruminate. I forgive to live freely and appreciate my life and the people around me. Forgiveness cuts the rumination cord that ties me into judgment and resentment; and as a result of letting go I have a fresh new source of air to breathe. Jim does not ruminate; so perhaps he needs to forgive less than I do.

What about you? Do you need the tool of forgiveness to lead the life you want? What does forgiveness give you (or NOT give you) when it comes to coping with the mischief of others and yourself?

Please share your thoughts on this matter in the comment section below.
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FORGIVENESS FREEDOM is a blog devoted to exploring effective ways to understand conflict, and restore & reinforce positive connections.

Workplace Assessment on Resentment

Do you trust the people you work with? Do they trust you? In his book, "Overcoming The Five Dysfunctions of a Team," top business guru Patrick Lencioni points out that "The true measure of a team is that it accomplishes the results that it sets out to achieve." In accomplishing achieved-results, Lencioni says that "no quality or characteristic is more important than trust....Unfortunately, there is probably no quality or characteristic that is as rare as trust either."

Why so rare and important? "Team members who trust one another learn to be comfortable being open, even exposed, to one another around their failures, weaknesses, even fears," notes Lencioni. "Vulnerability-based trust is predicated on the simple--and practical--idea that people who aren't afraid to admit the truth about themselves are not going to engage in the kind of political behavior that wastes everyone's time and energy." On the contrary, people who trust one another are willing to say what they really think without fear of backlash or ridicule. That leads to workers "who are not afraid to engage in passionate dialogue around issues and decsions that are key to the organization's success."

Grievances (real or imagined) usually cause anger. Unresolved anger leads to resentment, which, in turn, kills trust, peace and productivity at work. Here is a quick questionnaire I've developed to help you assess the effects of misplaced anger and resentment at work: Click here to take it online, and I will send a copy of the results once they are tabulated.

FORGIVENESS FREEDOM is a blog devoted to exploring effective ways to understand conflict, and restore & reinforce positive connections.

The Breakfast of Champions

In the 2006 Pew American Work Life Study, 433 respondents were asked questions on what made their work-life meaningful. They were all asked: "Do you have a reliable personal practice that brings you face to face with the most important choices about your life and work?" People who answered "yes" enjoyed significantly higher job satisfaction than workers who just "wing it." Five times as many people with a "reliable personal practice" say they are "completely satisfied" with their job as opposed to those without a consistent habit of reflecting on their life and work.

Why such a big gap? My mother, a primary school teacher for many years, used to say that the main difference between the kids who did well in school and those who didn't was breakfast. She observed that the children who came to school prepared, well fed and well-rested, had a huge advantage over the children who were tired and ill nourished. "You can't learn," she was fond of saying, "on an empty stomach."

As we grow older, we need more than a full stomach and a good night's sleep to thrive at work. We need to make sound choices; and when we don't, we need to change them. For adults, coming face to face with the reality of our decisions and their consequences is akin to having breakfast. It gives us the ability to come to work prepared to give our best, no matter what the ups and downs of the day.

The workplace is full of opportunities to get irked with coworkers if one is in the mood to do so -- especially if someone has not yet come to terms with the consequences of his or her own personal and professional choices in life. For the people who do ask themselves, and answer, the so-called "hard" questions, life and work become a lot easier.
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FORGIVENESS FREEDOM is a blog devoted to exploring effective ways to understand conflict, and restore & reinforce positive connections.

Freedom from Resentment

I titled this blog "Forgiveness Freedom" because freedom is the consequence I see most often when people (including me) let go of resentments. The word "resentment" comes from the French word "ressentir," which means to "feel the result of," or, in other words, to play the injury over and over in one's mind. Now on the surface, few of us would defend the wisdom or logic of re-infecting a wound so that we could experience the pain of it again and again. The wound gets bigger and more infected the more we pick at it. Besides, each time we relive the incident, it hurts that much more. And yet, somewhere in our brains there is a mysterious relief in the reliving of an injury against ourselves or someone we care about -- much like a mind-altering drug.

Where does this negative feeling of relief come from? Here are two of the places I've found it:

1) "I resent, therefore I am" -- In this situation , a person comes to identify themselves with the outrage they feel over the injury (or injuries) they have experienced. Some years ago, a friend of mine was badly mistreated by her stepmother over a number of years. Seething with anger over the injustices she experienced, my friend attempted to kill herself in her 20s. The experience led her into therapy where she eventually came to terms with her feelings and forgave her stepmother. "The hardest thing of all," she told me, "was giving up my anger because I was afraid that, without it, I wouldn't have any identity at all."

2) "I'm going to get even, even if it kills me" -- Suicide bombers are not the only ones who actively engage in this kind of literal thinking. The unconscious mind believes what we tell it, especially when we tell the same story often enough. This story becomes a mental play that we enact in our mind's eye (like a wide-awake dream). And since this play is internal, all the characters and scenary within it are parts of ourselves. Therefore when we engage in revengeful thoughts, we can't help but harm ourselves, even if we are thinking or acting to hurt someone else. (This attitude is a recipe for scapegoating, which induces people to act out against the scapegoater, which is then a cause for even more resentment.)

Resentments are viruses that like to go underground and hide. Discovering their whereabouts is literally 50 percent of the battle in freeing oneself from their tyrrany. How does someone know if they are harboring resentments? Here are three tell-tale signs:

1) It hurts "so good" -- Some kinds of pain or irritation can almost feel good to the touch (have you ever tried to scratch a big itch?). When the pain you feel hurts so bad that it almost starts feeling good, chances are that you are suffering from one or more forms of resentment.

2) You get mad everytime you think about it -- Each time you reimagine the experience, you feel hurt all over again. Resentments have no statute of limitations.

3) One thought leads to another -- Resentments are "social creatures" that like to be around each other. As you think of one injury, another one comes to mind, and then another....

I like to remind myself that it doesn't need to be this way. If my home were termite-infested, I'd do whatever needed to be done to get rid of the termites. Resentments are like termites. They eat into the home in your heart.

What are your thoughts on this subject?
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FORGIVENESS FREEDOM is a blog devoted to exploring effective ways to understand conflict, and restore and reinforce positive connections.