Thanks for the feedback, both to me personally at kally@rejoyc.com and to this blog. Your different perspectives are both thought-provoking and comforting -- comforting to know that we can share conversations on all sorts of issues related to forgiveness; conversations that are open, practical and real.
Maybe it's just my imagination or because I've been more focused on this subject than usual, but I've been noticing a backlash against forgiveness. This seems rather curious to me since forgiveness isn't exactly a hot new topic sweeping the nation -- along the lines, say, of the latest controversy on the "American Idol" show. And yet, I wonder....
Here are two recent examples:
(1) Yahoo published an extensive online article yesterday (the source of which, drat!, I can't find today) about the negative pressure that some people are putting on others to forgive. The author contended that there can be other more appropriate reactions to being grieviously wronged by others.
(2) National Public Radio aired a "Talk of the Nation" show on Jan. 2, 2008 entitled "Studies Suggest Forgiveness has Health Benefits." After talking with Frederic Luskin, Ph.D., head of the Stanford University Forgiveness Project (the largest research project to date on the testing, training and measurement of forgiveness interventions), the host thanked and dismissed him (Luskin seemed rather surprised). Then the host hooked up with psychotherapist Jeanne Safer who has written a book entitled "Forgiving and Not Forgiving: When Sometimes It's Better Not to Forgive." Safer talked dispargingly about "the forgiveness lobby" -- you know, those folks who think that forgiveness is the only right answer and cure for everything. While Safer had some pertinent points to make (i.e., no definitive studies have been conducted on people who don't choose to forgive, but choose instead to remain neutral), it felt like a missed opportunity to have a meaty discussion between Safer and Luskin.
Must there be a "great divide" between the people who forgive and those who opt for other choices? And what is forgiveness anyway? What exactly does it give us?
In my next blog entry, in the next few days, I'm going to share my reflections on some of YOUR powerful reflections and questions as well.
This blog is all about having a conversation on matters that touch all of our lives. And the more light we can shed on forgiveness, the more light we will share. Paul Boese notes that "Forgiveness does not change the past, but it does enlarge the future." Is that true for you? It has been true for me. I found Boese's comments on a fascinating site: www.forgivenessweb.com.
FORGIVENESS FREEDOM is a blog devoted to exploring effective ways to understand conflict, and restore & reinforce positive connections.
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3 comments:
Ah! Forgiveness! I've learned that I need to start with forgiving myself...for overcommitting which caused me to disappoint someone; for being selfish which reesulted in my not being helpful when it was needed.
It takes two to tango they say and in the situations when I'm in conflict, I have to look at my part of the tension and then practice forgivenss on myself first.
Does that seem self-centered? I don't intend it to be. But it seems if I'm fighting my own weaknesses, there isn't any strength left to forgive anyone else.
jane@messymiracles.org
Kally,
These are great word of advice, thanks so much.
Mark
Kally, this blog is wonderful and the discussion that is emerging is rich.
Regarding the health impact of not forgiving: Don Colbert, M.D. wrote a book called "Deadly Emotions Understand the Mind-Body-Spirit Connection that can Heal or Destroy You". He says that harboring resentment, bitterness, unforgiveness and self-hatred can lead to autoimmune disorders, rheumatoid arthritis, lupus, multiple sclerosis, diabetes and has negative effects on organs and the skin.
Forgiving opens the door to love and joy which Dr. Colbert says have a positive impact on our bodies by shutting off the "fight or flight" (sympathetic nervous system) and turning on the restorative (parasympathetic nervous system). In doing so, our muscles relax, organs function more efficiently and our heart rate slows, blood pressure drops and tension is released, thus helping to prevent or heal disease.
While I believe this and have experienced it, I too would have enjoyed a meaty discussion between Luskin and Safer.
I also agree with Jane's comments. I need to forgive myself to be healthy too. I've found it's harder than forgiving others. As a life coach, I've seen that my clients struggle with self-forgiveness more than forgiving others. Sometimes it takes forgiving others to forgive me and sometimes it's the other way around. Either way, it's freeing!
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