My husband, Jim, views forgiveness in the workplace (and elsewhere) with some skeptism. This surprises me because he worked for 40 years in municipal government and was highly thought of by the people who worked with and for him. He had a reputation for being a fair, caring and effective leader and bridge builder -- a good listener who was able to find common ground with others in contentious situations. While we don't have much contention in the Reynolds household, I can vouch for these qualities in Jim at home.
Jim says he has generalized good will and compassion for the people around him, knowing them to be just as human and frail as he is. This attitude protects him from unrealistic expectations. Without unrealistic expectations, says Jim, there is less need to forgive. And when something happens that he considers unforgiveable, Jim says he opts for cultivating an attitude of neutrality toward the person who committed the act. "Some things and people I would never forgive," he tells me. I ask him to think of an instance and he falters, trying to think of a crime big enough. "If someone killed you, I would never forgive them, but I would move on with my life. Grudges take too much energy to hold onto!"
Jim doesn't dwell on injustices done to him, or even by him. If he can change something, he will; and if he can't, he forgets about it and moves on to something else. In his book, Five Steps to Forgiveness: the Art and Science of Forgiveness, Dr. Everett Worthington says that some people find it tougher than others to forgive because they tend to ruminate, or repeatedly dwell, on the wrongs committed against themselves or the people they care about. The word rumination comes from the Latin word ruminare, which means to "chew the cud" (regurgitated, partially digested food), which is what cows do to digest their food (We might do the same if we had four stomachs!). However, since we each have only one stomach, humans who regugitate and rechew their food don't fare as well as cows -- in fact, they have an eating disorder called rumination.
Studies show, that mental rumination too leads to all sorts of problems, including depression, chronic anger, a "gift" for alienating others and a lack of ability to creatively problem-solve. A number of research studies also show that while both sexes ruminate, women tend to fall into this habit more often than men.
Unless and until I can forgive myself and others, I tend to ruminate. I forgive to live freely and appreciate my life and the people around me. Forgiveness cuts the rumination cord that ties me into judgment and resentment; and as a result of letting go I have a fresh new source of air to breathe. Jim does not ruminate; so perhaps he needs to forgive less than I do.
What about you? Do you need the tool of forgiveness to lead the life you want? What does forgiveness give you (or NOT give you) when it comes to coping with the mischief of others and yourself?
Please share your thoughts on this matter in the comment section below.
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FORGIVENESS FREEDOM is a blog devoted to exploring effective ways to understand conflict, and restore & reinforce positive connections.
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3 comments:
I wish I had learned at an earlier age that "an eye for an eye" doesn't mean I need to exact revenge on every ill done to me or the people who I love. You're right Kally, life would be richer, happier, and more free if we redirected just an ounce of the grudge energy toward forgiveness.
I have been able to forgive, but saying that doesn't make me anything special -- perhaps I wasn't as deeply wouned as others have been. I don't know. I think the important thing is that we are willing to let go and forgive. It's a process and takes time, for sure. It was, for me, a daily partnership with God, to release some things I needed to, but the willingness was there.
I also believe that life is short and we need to carefully discern what is a real wound and what is just a grudge. Grudges are a waste of energy, time and they keep you stuck in that "ruminating" pattern. I can't think of a bigger waste
in life than holding onto that which belongs in the past.
Forgive and Forget: This expression has been around for a long time. Sometimes, after the forgiving and the forgetting of a particular person, I have found "forget" taking on a new dimension--one where I intentionally distance myself from the person or persons I have forgiven. It helps me personally to keep the original action I took in forgiving and forgetting if I simply have no further encounter with the person I forgave.
I have only used this tactic on two or three occasions, and it was directed at persons with whom, in hindsight, I never really had a connection. However, with family, friends, and colleagues forgiving and forgetting have bonded me clser to them and I would never avoid contact with them.
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