The Third Man

Remember the great movie "The Third Man"? Graham Greene wrote the screenplay and Carol Reed directed this classic more than half a century ago (and if you haven't seen it yet, you have a treat in store). Holly Martins, a writer of cheap Western novels, comes to Vienna after World War II at the invitation of his friend Harry Lime. Upon his arrival, Martins learns that Lime has tragically died in a car accident, and decides to investigate. The mystery of the movie centers on discovering the identity of the unseen person who helped remove Harry Lime's body. This is the "Third Man."

The terminator -- That story comes to my mind today as I reflect on my struggles in forgiving a particular gentleman. Ironically, he's not someone I see often or talk with frequently, or even someone who wronged me greatly. I worked with others on a team project years ago -- a gratifying and fruitful experience for all of us and for those we served. He used his power to dismantle a program that was helping many, and in its place, put a substitute that has gained a reputation for boring mediocrity....Several of us on the team shared our concerns with him on certain core issues; and he took our forthrightness as a personal attack.

The same old story....No doubt that this gentleman's recollection of the situation would be much different than my own; and it too would have its own measure of truth. How is it -- or is it -- possible for two people who stay separate on either side of the fence to see things from the same perspective? When Robert Frost wrote, "There's something here that does not want a wall," maybe this is what he meant.

Now, I've forgiven, and been forgiven by, a number of people in my life for various and sundry actions (and inaction)....And this particular situation would not, in any way, rank at the top of my "too terrible to be forgiven list" (assuming I had a list, which I don't). So what has been blocking me?

Missing in action -- I talked with a trusted friend about this today. As my spiritual director/companion, she helped me take a hard (and soft) look at my struggle to forgive this gentleman. What I experienced caught me off-guard, and brought me back to the intense feelings of rejection I had experienced with my Dad -- feelings I believed that I had long since come to terms with. And even though I meant to focus on the leader who had dismantled our team, his actions quickly become irrelevant to the true matter at hand, and I saw what was holding me back from forgiving him: he had become a phantom stand-in for issues I had not completely resolved with my father.

My Dad has been on the other side of the grave for some years now, and it's actually easier to enjoy a loving relationship with him "up in heaven" than it was down on Earth. Yet with this other gentleman (who is very much still on Earth), I am becoming more aware of his gift rather than the grievance. In dealing with this issue, I am able to see him and all of my life, in a truer, more lifegiving perspective.

Forgiveness freedom....I've found a gift in my inability to forgive: it motivated me to find the real source of my woundedness and ask God to heal it. In discovering the identity of the "third man," I've been freed from illusions and resentments that no longer have the power to wound me.

Who is your third man? Do you have one too? If not, great! If so, what would it give you to find out his/her secret identity?

FORGIVENESS FREEDOM is a blog devoted to exploring effective ways to understand conflict, and restore & reinforce positive connections.