The Third Man

Remember the great movie "The Third Man"? Graham Greene wrote the screenplay and Carol Reed directed this classic more than half a century ago (and if you haven't seen it yet, you have a treat in store). Holly Martins, a writer of cheap Western novels, comes to Vienna after World War II at the invitation of his friend Harry Lime. Upon his arrival, Martins learns that Lime has tragically died in a car accident, and decides to investigate. The mystery of the movie centers on discovering the identity of the unseen person who helped remove Harry Lime's body. This is the "Third Man."

The terminator -- That story comes to my mind today as I reflect on my struggles in forgiving a particular gentleman. Ironically, he's not someone I see often or talk with frequently, or even someone who wronged me greatly. I worked with others on a team project years ago -- a gratifying and fruitful experience for all of us and for those we served. He used his power to dismantle a program that was helping many, and in its place, put a substitute that has gained a reputation for boring mediocrity....Several of us on the team shared our concerns with him on certain core issues; and he took our forthrightness as a personal attack.

The same old story....No doubt that this gentleman's recollection of the situation would be much different than my own; and it too would have its own measure of truth. How is it -- or is it -- possible for two people who stay separate on either side of the fence to see things from the same perspective? When Robert Frost wrote, "There's something here that does not want a wall," maybe this is what he meant.

Now, I've forgiven, and been forgiven by, a number of people in my life for various and sundry actions (and inaction)....And this particular situation would not, in any way, rank at the top of my "too terrible to be forgiven list" (assuming I had a list, which I don't). So what has been blocking me?

Missing in action -- I talked with a trusted friend about this today. As my spiritual director/companion, she helped me take a hard (and soft) look at my struggle to forgive this gentleman. What I experienced caught me off-guard, and brought me back to the intense feelings of rejection I had experienced with my Dad -- feelings I believed that I had long since come to terms with. And even though I meant to focus on the leader who had dismantled our team, his actions quickly become irrelevant to the true matter at hand, and I saw what was holding me back from forgiving him: he had become a phantom stand-in for issues I had not completely resolved with my father.

My Dad has been on the other side of the grave for some years now, and it's actually easier to enjoy a loving relationship with him "up in heaven" than it was down on Earth. Yet with this other gentleman (who is very much still on Earth), I am becoming more aware of his gift rather than the grievance. In dealing with this issue, I am able to see him and all of my life, in a truer, more lifegiving perspective.

Forgiveness freedom....I've found a gift in my inability to forgive: it motivated me to find the real source of my woundedness and ask God to heal it. In discovering the identity of the "third man," I've been freed from illusions and resentments that no longer have the power to wound me.

Who is your third man? Do you have one too? If not, great! If so, what would it give you to find out his/her secret identity?

FORGIVENESS FREEDOM is a blog devoted to exploring effective ways to understand conflict, and restore & reinforce positive connections.

Forgive and Fight

"Can the peace that comes from forgiveness still us into complacency?" This penetrating question comes from a reader in her email comments on my Feb. 14th posting, "Can You Drink The Cup?" I've been reflecting on this. When we give up the right and desire to harm someone else, do we also let go of the right and desire to protect the defenseless and fight for justice? Afterall, when we are no longer affected in the same way once we forgive an injury, what is to stop us from just walking away? Can we still be angry about the offense when we have forgiven the offender? Are retribution and revenge a better motivator for constructive change than forgiveness?

Consider the organization "Mothers Against Drunk Drivers" (MADD), which had as its first "office" the still-decorated bedroom of a 13-year old girl who was killed in a hit-and-run accident by a drunk driver. Here's how writer Laurie Danies describes the founding of MADD in the History Section of MADD's website:

"25 years ago, a heartbroken mother made a pledge in her deceased daughter's bedroom -- a decision that quickly inspired a handful of grieving, determined mothers to join in the fight. Though united in cause, they had no office, no money and no clout. They were as their name suggests: MADD. As their fledgling organization grew, they stood toe-to-toe with politicians who knew the stats, but didn't act. They took on a powerful industry that puts profits over safety. They challenged a society that viewed drinking and driving as acceptable -- even laughable."

In 1980, the U.S. had 30,000 alcohol-related traffic fatalities a year; by 2005, the number was down to 17,000 -- thanks in large measure to steps taken by MADD.

Yet, however, mad, the Mothers Against Drunk Drivers were -- and are -- their primary purpose has been to eliminate drunk driving as well as the attitudes and actions (and lack of action) that have enabled, and even encouraged it. They demand that drunken driving be treated as the crime that it is.

Is this unforgiveness? Perhaps. However, these actions would be soundly supported by the greatest forgiver I know, Jesus Christ, as well as other great people of mercy and justice, including Martin Luther King, Jr., Mahatma Gandhi, Nelson Mandela, Bishop Desmond Tutu and Mother Theresa, to name just a few.

Observes Bishop Desmond Tutu:

"In forgiveness, people are not being asked to forget. On the contrary, it is important to remember, so that we should not let such atrocities happen again. Forgiveness does not mean condoning what has been done. It means taking what happened seriously...drawing out the sting in the memory that threatens our entire existence."

Mahatma Gandhi said: "Hate the sin, love the sinner." Jesus lived this truth, and it didn't lead to complacency, but rather his death. When "peace" leads to complacency, perhaps it isn't real forgiveness at all -- but just a very human way to hide.

What do you think?

FORGIVENESS FREEDOM is a blog devoted to exploring effective ways to understand conflict, and restore & reinforce positive connections.

Connecting Conversations

Thanks for the feedback, both to me personally at kally@rejoyc.com and to this blog. Your different perspectives are both thought-provoking and comforting -- comforting to know that we can share conversations on all sorts of issues related to forgiveness; conversations that are open, practical and real.

Maybe it's just my imagination or because I've been more focused on this subject than usual, but I've been noticing a backlash against forgiveness. This seems rather curious to me since forgiveness isn't exactly a hot new topic sweeping the nation -- along the lines, say, of the latest controversy on the "American Idol" show. And yet, I wonder....

Here are two recent examples:

(1) Yahoo published an extensive online article yesterday (the source of which, drat!, I can't find today) about the negative pressure that some people are putting on others to forgive. The author contended that there can be other more appropriate reactions to being grieviously wronged by others.

(2) National Public Radio aired a "Talk of the Nation" show on Jan. 2, 2008 entitled "Studies Suggest Forgiveness has Health Benefits." After talking with Frederic Luskin, Ph.D., head of the Stanford University Forgiveness Project (the largest research project to date on the testing, training and measurement of forgiveness interventions), the host thanked and dismissed him (Luskin seemed rather surprised). Then the host hooked up with psychotherapist Jeanne Safer who has written a book entitled "Forgiving and Not Forgiving: When Sometimes It's Better Not to Forgive." Safer talked dispargingly about "the forgiveness lobby" -- you know, those folks who think that forgiveness is the only right answer and cure for everything. While Safer had some pertinent points to make (i.e., no definitive studies have been conducted on people who don't choose to forgive, but choose instead to remain neutral), it felt like a missed opportunity to have a meaty discussion between Safer and Luskin.

Must there be a "great divide" between the people who forgive and those who opt for other choices? And what is forgiveness anyway? What exactly does it give us?

In my next blog entry, in the next few days, I'm going to share my reflections on some of YOUR powerful reflections and questions as well.

This blog is all about having a conversation on matters that touch all of our lives. And the more light we can shed on forgiveness, the more light we will share. Paul Boese notes that "Forgiveness does not change the past, but it does enlarge the future." Is that true for you? It has been true for me. I found Boese's comments on a fascinating site: www.forgivenessweb.com.

FORGIVENESS FREEDOM is a blog devoted to exploring effective ways to understand conflict, and restore & reinforce positive connections.

Can You Drink The Cup?

This whole idea of rumination being a negative pasttime makes me think and takes me right back to one of my favorite authors: Henri JM Nouwen and his book, "Can You Drink The Cup?" In this wonderful book, Nouwen reflects on the similarities between drinking good wine and living a fulfilled life. Here's one of things he says about reflection:

"...drinking wine is more than just drinking. You have to know what you are drinking, and you have to be able to talk about it. Similarly, just living life is not enough. We must know what we are living. A life that is not reflected upon isn't worth living. It belongs to the essense of being human that we contemplate our life, think about it, discuss it, evaluate it, and form opinions about it. Half of living is reflecting on what is being lived. Is it worth it? Is it good? Is it bad? Is it old? Is it new? What's it all about? The greatest joy as well as the greatest pain of living come not only from what we live but even more from how we think and feel about what we are living....Reflection is essential for growth, development, and change. It is the unique power of the human person."

Nouwen's words ring true for me, as well as for many others. And yet...and yet...sometimes it seems like a short walk from reflection -- one of the great gifts of life -- to rumination -- one of the great curses of life.

Many people who dwell on the misfortunes in their life say that their ruminations are a good thing that bring value to their lives. At first when I read this, I struggled to understand it. Yet, after pondering on Nouwen's words, it makes sense. Rumination can feel like reflection, and reflection, when it becomes excessive and focused on one particular matter, can easily deteriorate into rumination.

Perhaps rumination isn't an issue for you; however, I come from a family of highly developed ruminators (at least on one side of the line), and it's something I guard against, even as I love to reflect on life. My 91-year-old Aunt Jean can ruminate with the best of them; and her unfailing memory for pain, suffering and wrongdoing never fails to amaze me, even to this day. (And if I don't watch it, I can start ruminating about Aunt Jean!)

Yet, while rumination and reflection may seem hard to distinguish sometimes, there is at least one thing that distinguishes them -- and that's gratitude. I can't ruminate when I'm grateful; however, I sure can reflect on the wonders of life.

What are your thoughts?

FORGIVENESS FREEDOM is a blog devoted to exploring effective ways to understand conflicts, and restore & reinforce positive connections.

Is Forgiveness Always Necessary?

My husband, Jim, views forgiveness in the workplace (and elsewhere) with some skeptism. This surprises me because he worked for 40 years in municipal government and was highly thought of by the people who worked with and for him. He had a reputation for being a fair, caring and effective leader and bridge builder -- a good listener who was able to find common ground with others in contentious situations. While we don't have much contention in the Reynolds household, I can vouch for these qualities in Jim at home.

Jim says he has generalized good will and compassion for the people around him, knowing them to be just as human and frail as he is. This attitude protects him from unrealistic expectations. Without unrealistic expectations, says Jim, there is less need to forgive. And when something happens that he considers unforgiveable, Jim says he opts for cultivating an attitude of neutrality toward the person who committed the act. "Some things and people I would never forgive," he tells me. I ask him to think of an instance and he falters, trying to think of a crime big enough. "If someone killed you, I would never forgive them, but I would move on with my life. Grudges take too much energy to hold onto!"

Jim doesn't dwell on injustices done to him, or even by him. If he can change something, he will; and if he can't, he forgets about it and moves on to something else. In his book, Five Steps to Forgiveness: the Art and Science of Forgiveness, Dr. Everett Worthington says that some people find it tougher than others to forgive because they tend to ruminate, or repeatedly dwell, on the wrongs committed against themselves or the people they care about. The word rumination comes from the Latin word ruminare, which means to "chew the cud" (regurgitated, partially digested food), which is what cows do to digest their food (We might do the same if we had four stomachs!). However, since we each have only one stomach, humans who regugitate and rechew their food don't fare as well as cows -- in fact, they have an eating disorder called rumination.

Studies show, that mental rumination too leads to all sorts of problems, including depression, chronic anger, a "gift" for alienating others and a lack of ability to creatively problem-solve. A number of research studies also show that while both sexes ruminate, women tend to fall into this habit more often than men.

Unless and until I can forgive myself and others, I tend to ruminate. I forgive to live freely and appreciate my life and the people around me. Forgiveness cuts the rumination cord that ties me into judgment and resentment; and as a result of letting go I have a fresh new source of air to breathe. Jim does not ruminate; so perhaps he needs to forgive less than I do.

What about you? Do you need the tool of forgiveness to lead the life you want? What does forgiveness give you (or NOT give you) when it comes to coping with the mischief of others and yourself?

Please share your thoughts on this matter in the comment section below.
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FORGIVENESS FREEDOM is a blog devoted to exploring effective ways to understand conflict, and restore & reinforce positive connections.

Workplace Assessment on Resentment

Do you trust the people you work with? Do they trust you? In his book, "Overcoming The Five Dysfunctions of a Team," top business guru Patrick Lencioni points out that "The true measure of a team is that it accomplishes the results that it sets out to achieve." In accomplishing achieved-results, Lencioni says that "no quality or characteristic is more important than trust....Unfortunately, there is probably no quality or characteristic that is as rare as trust either."

Why so rare and important? "Team members who trust one another learn to be comfortable being open, even exposed, to one another around their failures, weaknesses, even fears," notes Lencioni. "Vulnerability-based trust is predicated on the simple--and practical--idea that people who aren't afraid to admit the truth about themselves are not going to engage in the kind of political behavior that wastes everyone's time and energy." On the contrary, people who trust one another are willing to say what they really think without fear of backlash or ridicule. That leads to workers "who are not afraid to engage in passionate dialogue around issues and decsions that are key to the organization's success."

Grievances (real or imagined) usually cause anger. Unresolved anger leads to resentment, which, in turn, kills trust, peace and productivity at work. Here is a quick questionnaire I've developed to help you assess the effects of misplaced anger and resentment at work: Click here to take it online, and I will send a copy of the results once they are tabulated.

FORGIVENESS FREEDOM is a blog devoted to exploring effective ways to understand conflict, and restore & reinforce positive connections.

The Breakfast of Champions

In the 2006 Pew American Work Life Study, 433 respondents were asked questions on what made their work-life meaningful. They were all asked: "Do you have a reliable personal practice that brings you face to face with the most important choices about your life and work?" People who answered "yes" enjoyed significantly higher job satisfaction than workers who just "wing it." Five times as many people with a "reliable personal practice" say they are "completely satisfied" with their job as opposed to those without a consistent habit of reflecting on their life and work.

Why such a big gap? My mother, a primary school teacher for many years, used to say that the main difference between the kids who did well in school and those who didn't was breakfast. She observed that the children who came to school prepared, well fed and well-rested, had a huge advantage over the children who were tired and ill nourished. "You can't learn," she was fond of saying, "on an empty stomach."

As we grow older, we need more than a full stomach and a good night's sleep to thrive at work. We need to make sound choices; and when we don't, we need to change them. For adults, coming face to face with the reality of our decisions and their consequences is akin to having breakfast. It gives us the ability to come to work prepared to give our best, no matter what the ups and downs of the day.

The workplace is full of opportunities to get irked with coworkers if one is in the mood to do so -- especially if someone has not yet come to terms with the consequences of his or her own personal and professional choices in life. For the people who do ask themselves, and answer, the so-called "hard" questions, life and work become a lot easier.
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FORGIVENESS FREEDOM is a blog devoted to exploring effective ways to understand conflict, and restore & reinforce positive connections.