Top 10 Lists: One to Offend, the Other to Mend

I’m guessing that 80 percent of what we feel we need to forgive others for would disappear in a flash if we all knew how to communicate more clearly and effectively. Somebody starts a statement with “you always…” or “you never…” and, inevitably, there’s going to be trouble. Here are 10 more zingers that come trippingly off the tongue, leading to a quick and sure-fire derailment of any real connection, toppling it right into the Land of the Blame Game:

1. I can’t stand it when you….
2. You manipulated me….…betrayed my trust; ruined my life…(etc., etc.)
3. You make me furious when you….
4. A person like you…..
5. Once again, you’ve….
6. It’s always the same with you….
7. I can never count on you to….
8. You never listen to me….
9. Say you’re sorry….
10. You are a real jerk….creep; piece of work (etc., etc.)

When, if ever, have these common little sound bytes led to more peace and understanding? And what can we do differently to communicate more effectively and constructively?

One of wisest, most effective teachers on this subject is Marshall B. Rosenberg, Ph.D., who wrote a best-selling book on the subject entitled “Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life.” Rosenberg has created a global organization to help people connect compassionately with both themselves and others through a language he calls “Nonviolent Communication (NVC),” and it is practiced with great success all over the world. Rosenberg characterizes NVC as a “language that strengthens our ability to inspire compassion from others and respond compassionately to others and ourselves….It awakens empathy and honesty, and is sometimes described as ‘the language of the heart.’” www.cnvc.org

Rosenberg suggests 10 concrete actions we can take to “contribute to Internal, Interpersonal and Organizational Peace” – and build our communication and relationship skills:

(1) Spend some time each day quietly reflecting on how we would like to relate to ourselves and others.
(2) Remember that all human beings have the same needs.
(3) Check our intention to see if we are as interested in others getting their needs met as our own.
(4) When asking someone to do something, check first to see if we are making a request or a demand.
(5) Instead of saying what we DON'T want someone to do, say what we DO want the person to do.
(6) Instead of saying what we want someone to BE, say what action we'd like the person to take that we hope will help the person be that way.
(7) Before agreeing or disagreeing with anyone's opinions, try to tune in to what the person is feeling and needing.
(8) Instead of saying "No," say what need of ours prevents us from saying "Yes."
(9) If we are feeling upset, think about what need of ours is not being met, and what we could do to meet it, instead of thinking about what's wrong with others or ourselves.
(10) Instead of praising someone who did something we like, express our gratitude by telling the person what need of ours that action met. www.cnvc.org